Saturday, June 09, 2012

Hunter's The Chronicles of Mitt

On Daily Kos, Hunter imagines what the diary of presidential hopeful Mitt Romney might read like.
Here are links to a few, and excerpts from some (no excerpt doesn't mean it isn't good).
June 9 entry.
June 8 entry.
Excerpt: Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better. There is not much to report today, as I have been mostly engaged in further practice sessions as to how I can better be as generic as possible when addressing issues of the day. I am doing quite well in these sessions. For example, my economic policy can now be summarized by saying: America is the best nation in the world. My foreign policy is roughly that same sentence.
June 7 entry.

Excerpt: I have very defined theories as to what money does and does not like, Mr. Diary, that I will perhaps expound upon at a later date. It is obvious that money gets lonely when in small quantities, and strongly prefers the company of like-minded or larger sums of money. It thus tends to shift itself from poorer individuals to richer ones quite rapidly if not blocked by cruel government policies preventing such things. Money is very shy, and will try to hide itself (perhaps, say, in other countries) if it senses tax regulation nearby. Money likes to create jobs, primarily in the sector of the economy dedicated to guarding and pampering itself. Other human units may be experts on foreign policy, or on energy matters, or on matters of law or the like, but my own expertise is in the various moods and preferences of money. I have based each of my various careers and each one of my own current policy prescriptions based on this knowledge; indeed, most of my campaign has been an effort to get this nation to more properly consider how deeply they can hurt the feelings of money, through current policies, and how best to reform those policies in the future.
June 6 entry.
June 1 entry.

All of the May 28 entry:

Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

As part of my campaign's ongoing plan to receive endorsement from as wide a collection of previously failed candidates as possible, thus making me look more competent by comparison, I appeared today with previously failed candidate John McCain. This time around my staff was doubly sure that the senator knew my name before the appearance, as we have had some difficulty with that in the past. Today's event was held to honor American veteran units, in the form of having them honor me. It is also a part of my crash course in foreign events, as Eric F. hopes that by associating me with veterans, some veteran-ness will rub off on me.

Sen. McCain and I were reminiscing about the war. I still remember those dark days. I was in France at the time, after being excused from military duty in order to more profitably spend my time attempting to convert France to my religion. It was a traumatic experience for me. I still remember the look on each French face as I told them that part of converting would be that they could no longer drink alcohol. At some points, I feared for my very life. (Mr. McCain listened very politely to my experiences, but did not say much.)

That is all I wish to discuss today, Mr. Diary. Remembering France is always tiring, and so I do not speak of it often.